


Curiosity Killed Logan's Mental Health

by Aimandfire



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Crying, Dissociation, Disturbing Themes, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Isolation, It is impermanent, Mental Breakdown, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Stabbing, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:47:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27575399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aimandfire/pseuds/Aimandfire
Summary: One would think that Logic and intrusive thoughts would be completely anthesis to each other. That's not quite the case, but Logan has renamed any intrusive thoughts as 'curiosity.' his 'curiosity' led him to experiment on how death effects the side, but it starts to effect Logan's mental health. He isolates himself more and more, all while he continues on his 'experiments' in secret. As the other sides start to worry more and more, how will they react when they find out the truth?
Comments: 28
Kudos: 101





	Curiosity Killed Logan's Mental Health

**Author's Note:**

> Yes there is character death, no it is not permanent. I have tagged this appropriately, so you don't have to worry.
> 
> Also despite the positive reception I have received all the comment's I've gotten have described the story as 'disturbing' so please be warned.

One would think that Logic and intrusive thoughts would be completely anthesis to each other. You would be right, at least according to Logan, the resident embodiment of logic. Of course this doesn’t mean they don’t effect each other, but Logan prefers not to think about that. Any intrusive thought he might have had could be easily relabeled as ‘curiosity’ instead.

The issue is sometimes things he called curiosity became consuming. He couldn’t think about anything else, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat without the thoughts coming back.

He told the others, sometimes, but not in a way that would be concerning. He didn’t lie, at least not enough to summon Janus, but he left parts of the truth out. 

Once, when the thoughts were worse than usual, he said something to Patton. It was when it was early morning, and the fatherly figment was making pancakes. Him and Logan were the only ones awake, at least on the lightside, and he felt safe enough to say something about it.

“I wonder if sides can die.” He mused out loud. Of course silently his thoughts were much different.  _ I wonder if I can die. _ Was a more accurate statement.

Patton looked over to Logan with kind eyes. “Do you mean duck out kiddo?” He asked. Logan only shook his head.

“I mean more literally. Like physical deaths, you know. I wonder what would happen to Thomas.”  _ Like what would happen if one of us was stabbed? What would happen if I stabbed myself? What would happen if I stabbed you? There are knives around here. I’m stronger than you, I could do it easily. No, I could never, What would happen if I stabbed myself? How would you react? What would Thomas feel first, me or you? _

Patton hummed as he flipped a pancake over. “Well I’m pretty sure we can die, but it’s not permanent. You probably don’t remember this, but when Thomas was younger Roman and Remus were always rushing off to the imagination and getting hurt. I’m pretty sure they both died a few times.” This surprised Logan. He didn’t remember Thomas’s early years, as he was one of the last sides to have a true form.

“They often died? Without any repercussion on Thomas?” Logan asked, as his thoughts started to race again.  _ Does that only work for creativity? Could I try that? How long would I be dead for? How much would Thomas be affected? Would the method of death change these factors? _

“Well it wasn’t often per say, and we were all young back then. I’m pretty sure they have better control of the imagination now so that doesn’t happen anymore. Even Remus is keen to avoid death as it’s pretty painful, as is coming back to life.” Patton looks thoughtful. “Why do you ask kiddo?”

“Just curiosity.” He said, which seemed to satisfy the moral side as he went back to cooking. “I’m going to see if the others are awake.” He told Patton, before slipping into the hallway.

Of course Logan didn’t go see if the others were awake, he headed straight to his room.  _ How painful?  _ The pain was the thing his mind caught onto.  _ How painful was it? How painful? How painful? HOW PAINFUL?  _ His mid repeated again, and again, and again. Often the thoughts would leave him after a few days, they would disappear, vanish into thin air. However before that they became completely consuming, possessing every facet of his life for a long time. At least he’d forget about it soon enough. Hopefully.

Of course this didn’t seem to be the case as his curiosity became all consuming. Finally he decided to do something about it. He had to know the answer for himself.

“Roman, I have a favor to ask.” He told the creative side one day, causing Roman to look at him with wide eyed surprise.

“A favor… From me? I mean sure, what can I help with?” Roman asked in confusion. Logan never asked for help, especially not from Roman. He was eager to help of course, but also very confused.

Logan sighed before dipping into an explanation. “I was just wondering if I could have access to the imagination for a bit. I have a few experiments I’d like to run. I won’t bother anything, I just can’t summon things easily in the mindscape.” He explained, hoping to divert any suspicion. Again, he wasn’t lying per say, but he just wasn’t telling the full truth. Roman was too excited to care.

“Oh oh! You’re finally taking an interest in my realm finally? Come on, I have something you’ll love!” He said before grabbing Logan’s hand and rushing towards the imagination.

He wasn’t expecting this reaction, but wasn’t complaining as he did the best to keep up. The imagination always had beautiful weather, and Logan breathed in the fresh air. For a second the thoughts faded away, but they returned quickly as he rushed past the distant fairytale villages and towns, till he ended up at a sleek and futuristic laboratory that seemed out of place.

“Were here!” Roman shouted in excitement. Logan cocked his head in confusion as he tried to figure out where here was. Roman noticed this and spoke up to clarify. “This is the Logan Lab! You can rename it if you’d like, but I made it a long time ago. It’s your space in the imagination! Everyone has one, but you’ve never really shown any interest in it before, so I never brought it out.”

Logan was utterly overjoyed. He smiled, which made Roman laugh in surprise. “Whoa! I got a smile! Go Roman.” Logan quickly forced his face into a calm expression and Roman frowned at the sudden change.

“Thank you Roman. So I can just wander in here any time? Or do I have to ask you?” Logan asked, and Roman shook his head.

“I can just put a Narnia portal in your closet, but yeah you can wander in here whenever you want. As Long as no one get’s hurt and you don’t just go around destroying things I won’t stop you. If it doesn’t work either me or Remus are working on something big.” Roman explained. Logan was too overjoyed at the prospect of all the experiments he could run.

“Thank you Roman.” He finally said.

“Ay no problem.” Roman smiled, before wandering off to do something else in the imagination, leaving Logan to explore the lab on his own.

Logan was very impressed. The Lab was clean and spacious, with some interesting experiments already set up. It took no time at all for him to realize he had full creative power over the entirety of the lab. 

He snapped his fingers to clear all the preemade experiments before he started to think about what he would do first.  _ How about poison?  _ His thoughts raced.  _ Or a knife! Or hanging! How about falling? How would that feel?  _ They asked, again and again and again. They were borderline torturing him at this point, making him desperate enough to try anything to make them go away.

“Let’s start off simple.” He mumbled, summoning both an orange notebook and a sharp knife. He opened the first page and started to speak as he watched the words fill it. “Experiment one in Logan’s Lab. My goal is to find out how a side reacts to being killed. These reactions may be different depending on the side and how they effect Thomas, but this is to satisfy my own curiosity and I will not bring anyone else into the experiment.” He sighed “I will not have time to write down my observations so the notebook will fill itself with my internal monologue. My thoughts, my feelings, and my subsequent reactions. I will be connected to a heart rate and oxygen monitor, and that information will be added later.” Finally, he hesitated. Did he really want to stab himself? Did he really want to die, even temporarily? 

Well no, but his thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone if he didn’t. They would only get worse and worse. They already didn’t let him rest, so he might as well satisfy his curiosity, right? 

“The method will be stabbing. Experiment begins.” Logan sighed as he took his shirt off and summoned a few monitors before attaching them to himself. He held the knife up, braced himself, and stabbed it into his heart.

Logan let out a gasp at the pain. He tried to breath but couldn’t. Instinctively he pulled the knife out, and it felt like waves of electricity were jolting through him. Clearly he missed the mark, but it certainly felt like he was dying as his mind was screaming in pain, all of it being recorded in his notebook.

He bit back a scream as he managed to lay on his back, blood now pooling on the once clean lab floor. He looked up at the bright ceiling lights, which were the only thing keeping him company as he closed his eyes and let his consciousness slip away.

He woke up of course, which was expected. Which wasn’t expected was the pain that waking up brought. He screamed as his body knit itself together, glad that no one else was nearby to hear him whimper and moan in pain.

Logan was exhausted. Even standing up was a challenge, and when he summoned the mess away he nearly fainted. Still he managed to stumble out into the imagination, where a carriage was conveniently waiting. 

He merely collapsed into the back of it as the carriage headed back to the mindscape without his input. By then he managed to get enough strength back to stumble to his room without attracting any unwanted attention, which was any at all. He flung himself into his bed, his body tired and his thoughts content. He rested easy that night, his thoughts silent and his mind content.

The curiosity was silent for a few weeks, allowing Logan to work in peace. He hardly even noticed when it started to pop up again with more what ifs.  _ What if you poisoned yourself? What if you hung yourself? Will it feel different the second time? Would it be less painful? What you did was hardly a reliable experiment, you need more testing. _

As always, such thoughts were easy to ignore at first but quickly became more and more present. Even more so because Logan knows he can figure out the answers to his questions. He knows he can test these things out. 

Two months had passed and he was barely getting any sleep. The other sides had even started to worry, and Logan refused to stand for that. In the middle of what looked to be a sleepless night he decided to answer his questions once more. 

Roman had put a portal in his closet, just like he said he would, so Logan had no trouble sneaking into the imagination and to his lab, his orange notebook in hand.

However when he finally got there, he froze. Looking around the clean and pristine lab he was struck with indecision. There were so many things he wanted to try, so many deaths he was curious about, he didn’t even know what to do next.

“Cyanide… Cyanide is simple.” He mumbled to himself, summoning a small bottle. Logan didn’t know the exact dosage, but knew one didn’t need to ingest a lot for it to be lethal. He quickly recited the information into the notebook, sat down on the floor, and downed the entire bottle.

He wasn’t expecting the immediate wave of pain that washed over him. Every cell of his body felt like he was on fire. He covered his mouth to stop from screaming, but immediately started to puke his guts out.

It only took two minutes for Logan to die, but they were spent in agony. He felt numb when he woke, his body shivering on the cold lab floor with a pile of puke to his side. He stood up in a daze, cleaned up the vomit, grabbed his notebook, and stumbled back home. Finally he fell into a deep and sound sleep with no more questions keeping him awake.

Of course it didn’t take long for Logan to start to wonder how accurate his whole ‘felt what he was on fire’ analogy was. This time he didn’t even try to resist, ending up in his lab a week later where he quickly learned that the analogy wasn’t accurate, and the reality was so much worse. 

Despite the pain, despite the agony, Logan was at his lab once a week trying something new.  _ What does hanging feel like? Falling from a height? Getting hit by a car? How many other poisons can you try? _

When Logan went over his notes he was horrified by what was recorded, and had started to think that this might not be exactly what Roman made his lab for. Still, he didn’t really care to stop, and had noticed some interesting effects.

Afterwards he was always tired and out of it, almost disassociating to an extent. When he went to talk to the others none of the insults stung, and the usual stress of not being listened to didn’t even seem to effect him.

Once a week switched to twice a week, and twice a week was even starting to become three times a week. He even redid a couple of methods, just to check that they felt the same. He found his favorite method was hanging. It was painful, but the pain came slowly, as did his death. He let himself fight back, but took comfort in the fact that he couldn’t escape. Drowning had a similar feeling, if not a little more surreal, but it was hard to stay under the water.

Logan actually thought he was doing well. He was being productive, helping Thomas, and getting sleep. Perhaps he was being a little distant, but he didn’t need social interaction, and the others could entertain each other well enough. He wasn’t needed.

Then came the wedding. He remembered the entire thing clearly, yet somehow it seemed like a blur. Roman ignoring him, Patton skipping him, Janus replacing him. He stumbled to his lab and summoned a noose even before he realized what he was doing.

Even with the help of dying he struggled to sleep that night, and the next, and the next. He barricaded himself in his lab for three days straight, killing himself again and again till he finally felt normal again. He didn’t even have the facade of science this time, but he did record the results at least. There was nothing new in the notes, besides the pain becoming more and more dulled, but it helped him keep some semblance of normalcy.

Even when he did return to the mindscape Logan still snuck into the lab every night, testing out a new method or old method then going to sleep. By this time his curiosity was well and truly sated. A part of him was even begging not to go, not to hurt himself again, but he ignored it.

As the dark sides started to mix into everyday life once a day soon became twice a day. He had no issues with either of them, but the numbness that came after was preferable to anything else.

Though there was one good thing that came from it all, Remus. Remus was excellent company, ranting about whatever sick thoughts came to his mind while all Logan had to do was listen. Perhaps it wasn’t appreciated by the others but he was very creative, with a unique perspective on things. Plus, it gave him some new ideas for his experiments. Horrible things, involving saws, swallowing knives, bear traps, and every other gruesome thing Remus could think of, which was a lot.

Finally one night he stumbled from his lab to his room only to find Remus waiting on his bed. He figured now would be as good of a time as any to tell Remus about his experiment, figuring that he would be equally fascinated about the results.

“Just to warn you Lo, I’m not into this science shit.” Remus told him when he started to talk about his experiments. 

“Of course, though this isn’t an exact experiment. There is only one test subject, and the variables are constantly altered. It wouldn’t be enough to write a paper on. Frankly calling it a proper experiment would be an insult-” He was cut off by Remus yawning and realized he needed to get to the point. “Right, well anyway I have been rather curious as to how death would effect a side.” That got Remus’s attention.

“Whoa!” He shot up. “You’re into that shit? Even Janny won’t let me try that out. Do you want help?” Remus offered, a wicked smile on his face. Logan was excited that someone else was interested as well, an emotion he’d not felt in a long time.

“That would be great, but I have been experimenting for about ten months now.” Logan admitted. Remus cocked his head. In reality it had been more like a year, but he didn’t really count the first experiment. 

He pulled out the orange notebook, and practically shoved it into Remus’s hands. Remus’s expression was suddenly unreadable. “Your help would be greatly appreciated. I tested most of the more obvious methods, but I’m not all that creative.” Logan said as Remus flipped through, giving each passage a cursory glance.

“You sure about that?” Remus said jokingly, though there was something behind his voice that sounded desperate and scared. Logan figured he must have been mistaken, he was never good with emotions anyway.

“How many pages is this?” Remus asked, flipping through the seamlessly never ending notebook. Logan shrugged.

“Pages get added every time I need them. I lost count at around 200.” Logan explained. They sat in silence for a while as Remus flipped through the pages, till finally he stopped.

“Hey Lo, I think your notebook glitched or something. There are like ten pages where hanging is repeated, and there aren’t any thoughts recorded either.” Remus said, surprisingly soft.

Logan leaned over to check where he was reading, and clarified. “Oh no it’s right. That was right after the wedding.” He explained. “I will admit, that was less experimentation and more coping with recent events. In all honesty those pages should be removed.”

“What about this page that just says ‘side effects?’ It says it helps you sleep? And it makes emotions easier to handle? I’m confused.” Remus said, furrowing his brow.

“Ah.” Logan tutted. “I’m not quite sure how to explain that. It makes me feel more separated from events that would usually upset me. It makes me more productive.” He explained, as Remus’s expression became unreadable once again.

“That sounds…” He trailed off. “Interesting.” Remus finished. He waited a few seconds, not entirely cartian how to word his next request. “Do you think I could borrow this tonight to read over it all? There’s a lot here, and it’s going to take awhile.” Remus asked.

“Of course!” Logan said enthusiastically “I am done with it for tonight anyway. We can reconvene in the morning.” He said. Remus thanked the logical side, before slipping out of his room with the orange notebook. Logan slept peacefully that night, with no thought that anything would be different in the morning.

He awoke bright and early, before the sun had even fully risen in the sky. That was normal. None of the others were awake, so he had plenty of time to slip into the imagination for his twice daily experiment.

What was unusual was the fact that the door in his closet was gone. It had just vanished, without a sign that it had even been there in the first place. Logan checked again and again, but it had just vanished. 

Logan wasn’t too panicked by this, as doors to the imagination changed place all the time. Mind you his door was never affected by that before, but it does happen. 

He figured he’d use the main entrance to the imagination, but that was locked. It had a heavy chain wrapped around it and no discernible key. Logan had no way of getting around it, causing a sense of dread to wash over him. There was probably a reason Roman blocked off the imagination, but it meant Logan couldn’t ‘experiment’ this morning. That made him feel anxious, as it had been a long time since he faced the day with full awareness, something his temporary deaths always took away.

Still that was no excuse not to get to work. If today was going to be a struggle then he might as well get started right away.

He headed to the kitchen to grab a quick breakfast, a meal he usually skipped. Yet he was very aware of the emptiness of his stomach, and knew it wasn’t going to go away on its own. However he paused in confusion when he heard murmuring and saw that the connected living room light was already on. 

He slipped into the living room quietly, and was even more confused by what he saw. Janus was holding Patton, who was sobbing into his buttoned up shirt. Remus was on the ground, his head in his hands, as Roman rubbed his back in comfort. Virgil was pacing, his eyeshadow almost completely opaque.

Logan had no idea what to ask, or if he should say anything at all, but he didn’t have the chance. Virgil looked up from his pacing and froze when he saw the logical side. A wave of emotions passed over his face before he mumbled “Oh thank fuck.”

Logan wanted to ask what on earth he meant but before her could Virgil vaulted forward and grabbed him by the elbow. He pulled Logan roughly towards the couch as the others started to notice his presence.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen with Nico?” Logan asked as he was pushed onto the couch. It didn’t escape his notice that he was the only one sitting there as the others started to surround him.

“Nico is fine. And so is Thomas.” Virgil informed him, his voice sounding panicked. He wasn’t the only one, as all the other sides also seemed panicked.

“Alright, but clearly something is amiss and I need to know what it is to fix it.” Logan said, though he doubted he could do much. It had been a long time since he’d been able to do more than just be an annoyance.

However he wasn’t expecting Patton to let out an anguished sob and start to apologize over and over again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Lo, I’m sorry!” He repeated over and over again.

Logan stood up quickly, unsure how to help. “Can someone please tell me what is going on?”

The room was silent for a few seconds, before Janus finally spoke up in a heavy voice that one would use to calm a scared animal. “We would like to give you the opportunity to explain yourself first.”

Logan was baffled by this and stuttered to reply. “You are asking me? Am I misunderstanding? I just walked in here, I have no idea what’s going on.”

Janus let out a sigh, before holding up a very familiar orange notebook. For one very brief second Logan froze, but he quickly shook himself out of it. It would merely be difficult to explain, it's not as if he did anything wrong.

“We were hoping you could explain this.” Janus said, an odd heaviness to his voice. “Remus already told us what he knows, but we’re hoping something was lost in translation.” Janus said.

“Oh, no wonder there is some confusion.” Remus had a rather graphic and explicit way of explaining things, though even then it didn’t make sense why everyone was upset. “That notebook contains some experiments I’ve been running on how sides are affected by death.” Logan said flatly, causing everyone around him to wince.

“R-right, but these are like, purley in theory, right? You’re not actually doing any of this stuff to yourself, right? Cause Remus made it sound like you were just sneaking into the imagination and repeatedly killing yourself.” Roman stammered awkwardly, twiddling his thumbs as he spoke.

So it seems Remus did explain things correctly. Still, why was everyone so upset? “Well I wouldn’t use that terminology, as death appears to be rather impermanent, but in layman's term that is the case, yes.” Logan confirmed, still rather confused.

Virgil grabbed the notebook, flung it against the wall, and buried his head in his hands. “Dammit Logan!” He yelled, which was muffled. Logan just stood in shock, not sure what to do. Patton started to cry even louder, as the twins grimaced and started twitching slightly. Only Janus didn’t seem upset but that was only because his expression was unreadable to the logical side.

“So when I showed you the lab I made, over a year ago, you literally killed yourself for an ‘experiment?’ And you’ve been doing that over and over again, twice a day? Logan that is really concerning.” Roman told him “You know what? It’s actually way past worrying, it is downright terrifying.”

Logan scoffed at this. “Frankly your concern, while appreciated, is unfounded. As you can see I am completely fine.” Then he turned to Remus. “Remus please explain how ridiculous this all is.”

Remus blinked, then stared Logan down. “I think it’s ridiculous.”

“Thank you.” Logan said, but Remus wasn’t finished.

“I think it’s ridiculous how you’ve been practically torturing yourself to force yourself to disassociate.” He said, anger in his voice. Logan wasn’t sure how to respond, but before he could say anything Janus spoke up.

“For once I think Remus is understating things. From reading your notebook you need help. You haven’t been present for a long time, haven’t been speaking to us, haven’t been talking to Thomas. You’ve lacked passion for a long time. It’s almost like you're fading away.” Janus said sadly.

Logan was getting angry, though he really couldn’t understand why. “So? Isn’t that good? I’m being productive! I’m helping Thomas!” He yelled. Which he wasn’t expecting was for everyone around him to suddenly go pale.

“No, that’s not good Logan. That’s really bad.” Patton practically whispered. He tried to place a hand on Logan’s shoulder, but Logan jerked away quickly. Patton’s hand felt like it was fire.

Virgil noted his reaction. “Logan when was the last time someone touched you?” He asked softly.

Logan had no idea, but had a feeling that telling the truth wouldn’t be good. “Three days ago.” He blurted out quickly. 

Janus narrowed his eyes “Logan I know when you’re lying. And I know I personally haven’t touched you since the wedding.”

“I can’t remember the last time I touched him, but I think it was before then.” Virgil whispered, prompting everyone else to say when the last time they touched Logan was.

“He started refusing my hugs over two months ago.” Patton whispered, tears in his eyes as he spoke.

“I don’t think I’ve even seen him in that long.” Roman said, sounding torn up.

“I touched him a month ago, but that was because I was asleep on his bed and he shook me away.” Remus informed.

“Look I don’t remember, but it doesn’t matter! I’m doing fine! Everything is fine!” Logan hissed, though it was clear no one believed him.

“Listen, we aren’t going to touch you if you don’t want, but this isn’t fine.” Virgil explained “you aren’t ok. And that’s ok, you just need a little help. But we can’t let you keep hurting yourself like this.”

“What do you mean?” Logan demanded, still furious. 

Roman spoke up next. “What we mean is that Remus and I have closed off the imagination to you. You’re still allowed in, but not unattended.” His words were soft, but that did nothing to calm Logan down. If anything it enraged him more.

“Why? I’m fine! I’m fine! There is nothing wrong, at all” Logan laughed, but it was clear no one believed him. “Alright then, I’ll prove it.” He hissed, storming past Janus and Patton and into the kitchen.

“Kiddo? What are you doing?” Patton asked nervously. Logan ignored him as he pulled out a large kitchen knife.

“Oh Jesus Christ Logan! Put that down!” Roman demanded, his face wide with fear. All the other sides shared the expression, but Logan’s face was completely blank.

“I am going to stab myself with this knife. I am going to die, then I’m going to wake up, and you’ll all see that I’m fine.” Logan explained, his voice flat and emotionless.

“Logan put down the knife. We believe you ok! We believe you! Just put down the knife and we’ll give you anything you want, ok? We’ll let you in the imagination, Hell, we’ll let you live there if you want! Just don’t do this!” Virgil begged.

Logan looked at him, his face still blank. “I don’t believe you.” He said softly. “It’s ok, I’ll just prove it. I’ll be fine.”

“Kiddo, kiddo, please! This isn’t right, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Patton begged. It was quite clear that there was no way to get to Logan, no way to grab him or even get close without risking Logan stabbing himself first.

“Well, yes, that’s the point. That’s what I’m trying to prove.” Logan sounded detached, and no one was even sure if he heard them.

“Logan, I have a question about your experiments.” Janus said, keeping his voice calm despite the circumstances. Logan looked up blankly, but seemed to at least understand. “Have you done this outside the imagination?”

Logan blinked, looking slightly rattled. He lowered the knife ever so slightly, but didn’t let go. “No” He said, sounding unsure.

“Logan, no one has ever died outside the imagination before. We don’t know what will happen. We don’t know if you’ll wake up.” Remus said, with an unusual amount of seriousness, hands raised as cautiously by his head.

Logan was frozen, knife gripped tightly. He didn’t even think about that. He was supposed to be logical, to think of everything. How could he miss something so obvious. He could have died. If he didn’t try to calm the others down, if he acted a little quicker, he could have died for real.

Logan let out a sob, before collapsing to the ground. He dropped the knife and heard it clatter on the ground before someone grabbed him in a rough hug.

“Jesus! It’s alright, you’re alright. Come on, let’s get away from the knives. Come on Lo.” Virgil said as he picked up the sobbing side, stumbling over to the couch as he held him tightly. Logan sobbed and sobbed, and Virgil suddenly realized that he’d never seen Logan cry before.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Logan sobbed in Virgil arms. Patton sat behind Logan, and effectively sandwiched him in a hug. The creativity twins were grabbing all the knives in a panic and bringing them to the imagination, while Janus stood guard with a dire level of seriousness.

“Why am I crying? I shouldn’t be crying.” Logan sobbed as he pressed his palms harshly into his eyes to stop from crying. Patton pulled them away as Virgil held him into an even tighter hug. “I shouldn’t be crying. I’m fine, I’m fine.” Logan sobbed “I mean I was, at least. I was fine yesterday, I was fine last night, I was fine this morning.” 

“Logan, I don’t think that’s quite true.” Janus said softly. Logan peaked out of Virgil’s arms to stare at him, still crying. “I don’t think you’ve been fine for a long time, I’ve read your notes. You’ve been hurting yourself for so long, it’s become a new normal.” Logan was still crying, but quieter, as he listened to the deceitful side.

“Do you remember what I said to Thomas before I revealed my name?” Logan shook his head, prompting Janus to start explaining. “I said mental health wasn’t something that could be put off until it became an emergency. I told him it couldn’t take second place to being useful to others, or being productive.” He sighed “I’m sorry for how you were treated, I’m sorry we ignored you.”

“It’s ok” Logan mumbled, causing Janus to frown.

“No, no it isn’t.” He said as he took his right glove off, revealing his hand. “Logan you don’t even understand when something is or isn’t ok. You see yourself as only a tool, made to be useful to others. Things are going to be hard, for a long time, but let us help you through it all. Let us keep you safe, let us protect you.” Janus said, extending his now gloveless hand to Logan.

Logan staired, his eyes still wet, unsure what to do. Finally he extended his own hand, laying it softly on Janus’s own, surprised to feel how warm it was. “Ok, I’ll let you help.” He mumbled softly, earning a soft smile from Janus. 

No things weren’t ok right now. Logan wasn’t fine, and he had lost all meaning of the word. There was no way he could get better on his own, but he didn’t have to. He had his family. They cared about him, they weren’t going to let him hurt himself, and they were going to teach him what being fine actually meant.

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a side project I was working on during Nanowrimo. I'm really ahead already, so this was just something extra. I hope you all enjoy, and if you have any recommendations or opinions just put them in the comments.


End file.
